Futuremas
by Chasyn
Summary: Future Man TV Show. Josh tries to explain Christmas to Tiger and Wolf.


Josh tries to explain Christmas to Tiger and Wolf.

**Futuremas**

"Guys... it's Christmas!" They'd been hopping back and forth with the TTD. It was hard to keep track of the actual date, because there wasn't an actual date. But he swore, if he hadn't been time jumping, it would have been Christmas for him! Josh just felt it in his gut. It was Christmas.

Wolf stared at him blankly and Tiger outright glared. "What are you whining about?" She snapped.

"Christmas." Josh repeated. "It's Christmas."

"What the fuck's Christmas?" Tiger scoffed.

"Yes." Wolf nodded. "Who is this Miss Chris and can I kill him or her?"

Josh's eyes widened. "No!" He shook his head. "No, no. No killing. And it's Christmas. One word. It's not a person. It's a holiday."

"Holly daze?" Wolf attempted to repeat.

Josh shook his head again. "No..." Then he sighed and continued to shake his head. "Never mind." He mumbled dismissively. "You don't understand."

Tiger rolled her eyes. "Fine. Tell us about this stupid thing of yours."

"It's not mine. And it's not stupid!" Josh corrected defensively.

"Tell us or I will stab you!" Tiger threatened, taking out one of her many hidden knives and stepping towards him.

Josh's eyes widened and he threw up his hands. He backed up a step, stumbling. "Holiday." He repeated, saying the word slowly. "It's special day. Like... there are many holidays that you celebrate with friends and family... and each one is different and celebrated in different ways... but Christmas is the best."

"So it's the leader of the holidays." Wolf stated.

Josh tilted his head. "Well... no... not... sure." He gave in and nodded. "Sure. Yeah, Christmas is the leader of the holidays. So it's the most important and best and... strongest."

"Alright." Wolf smiled and nodded. "Tell us about this Christmas."

Josh tilted his head, thinking. "It would be easier to show you."

Tiger shook her head. "Yes, show us." She said, sarcastically.

Josh nodded his head. "Okay, give me the TDD."

Tiger narrowed her eyes. "Is this really necessary?"

"Yes!" Wolf snapped. He grabbed the TDD out of Tiger's grip and held it out to Josh.

Josh quickly input the data and they were sucked in. When they landed, they were still in Josh's living room, but it was a different time. And this time, it was empty. "Mom and dad are at a Christmas party and I'm at the babysitter's down the street." He explained. "At least... I think I am."

Wolf's eyes widened as he looked around the room at all the twinkling lights and trees. Tiger moved to the windows. She pulled back the curtains and grimaced at the lights. Wolf darted over and let out a gasp. "Is it the stars? Did the sky fall?"

"What?" Josh shook his head. "No! They're decorations."

Tiger glanced back at him. "Are they explosive?"

"No..."

"Do they shoot lasers?" Wolf asked.

"No."

Tiger narrowed her eyes. "Are they defensive in any way?"

"No!"

Tiger shook her head. "Then what is the point, Future Man?"

"It's... just decorations!" Josh breathed out, holding up his hands and backing up a step. "Just pretty lights. It's just what you do at Christmas! I don't even know why."

"You don't know why." Tiger mocked.

"It's just pretty." Josh repeated.

Wolf tilted his head and shrugged. "It is pretty." He agreed.

Tiger turned to glare at him. "You are not authorized to think."

Wolf glared back at her a moment before looking at Josh. "I like the lights." He said. "It's pretty."

"Shut up about the fucking stupid lights!" Tiger snapped. "Why are we here?"

"Don't yell!" Josh said and turned towards the TV. He smiled as he found the old tape. "This, guys, this is true Christmas! Rudolph the Ned-Nosed Reindeer. We watched this every year when I was growing up." He put the tape in the VCR and hit play. He sat back and smiled as it started.

But the movie didn't go over as Josh expected. They barely got 5 minutes into the movie before Tiger spoke up. "This child clearly has a defect." She said, shaking her head. "Why doesn't Donner just kill it and have another? They clearly aren't sterile."

Josh blinked and opened his mouth slowly. "Uh... no... the nose is actually a good thing..."

"Oh! I know!" Wolf said excitedly. "He's got a super infectious, contagious disease and his snot is deadly. Santa plans to use it to kill all the biotics."

"No!" Tiger slapped Wolf in the back of the head. "No, solider! That's stupid. The biotics are immune to all diseases."

Wolf rubbed at the back of his head and glared at her. "But it's a _super_ disease."

"A super disease." Tiger repeated, scoffing loudly. "Do you know how stupid you sound, Wolf? Do you ever think before you talk?"

"No!" Wolf snapped.

Tiger rolled her eyes. "_Clearly_."

Wolf frowned. "Wait..."

Josh sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. That had blown up in his face quite spectacularly well. He hit play on the VCR again and they continued. But after a few more minutes, they stopped again.

"How can the reindeer fly?" Wolf asked. "They don't have wings. Do they have some type of exhaust or something?"

Josh shook his head. "No, it's magic."

"Magic?" Wolf asked.

Josh nodded. "Santa's magic."

"The guy who breaks into your house?" Tiger asked.

Josh shook his head. "He doesn't exactly..."

Wolf nodded. "He slides down your chimney."

"In the middle of the night." Tiger continued.

"While you're asleep." Wolf pointed out.

Tiger nodded. "And there's nothing protecting your chimney from further break-ins."

Wolf's eyes widened. "So... you gut Santa and use his entrails to ward off other trespassers."

"Yes!" Tiger nodded her head. "Spread them around the entrance and walls."

"No!" Josh said loudly, interrupting their disgusting conversation. "He's just a jolly old guy who rides in a sleigh pulled by reindeer that fly and he slides down the chimney and brings presents to good little girls and boys!" He explained in exacerbation.

"So only the good ones?" Wolf repeated.

"There's a ranking system?" Tiger asked. "What are the specifics?"

Josh shook his head. This was getting out of hand. "Just behaving... listening to your parents... school... being good."

Tiger nodded. "So like rewarding Wolf after a successful mission with a charge down?"

"No!" Josh snapped, shaking his head. "Kids do not do that!"

"How do they resolve tension?" Wolf asked.

"They're kids!" Josh said. "They don't have tension like that!"

"Because they are defenseless and helpless." Tiger said, nodding her head.

"Tiny hands." Wolf commented. "Perfect for Santa's child labor sweatshop."

Josh frowned. "Sweatshop? You mean the elves in the toy factory?"

"Elves?" Wolf asked, tilting his head.

"The... uh... kids with pointy ears." Josh quickly corrected.

Tiger nodded again. "Yes, I noticed that defect as well."

"Is that why Santa has them?" Wolf asked. "Parents didn't want them so they sell them to Santa."

Josh's eyes widened and he shook his head. "No, no, no, no." But clearly, he wasn't going to be able to explain that away. So he moved onto Christmas trees. But that fell through when Tiger called it a home for rats and Wolf knocked it down to search. Josh fixed the tree and moved onto carols. But he couldn't sing very well and Tiger covered her ears and threatened to gut him again. Cookies went over well, until Wolf tried to snort the powdered sugar. And then Tiger threatened to gut him once again for letting her try his grandma's fruitcake. Josh had pretty much given up at that point. He was just going to have to face it. He couldn't explain Christmas to them. And the more he tried, the more it seemed like a strange holiday anyways.

And then, there was a noise. "Intruder?" Tiger said at the same time Wolf said, "Santa?" They both pulled out their weapons.

"No!" Josh hissed. It was a key in the front door. "My parents! Hide!" He hissed, hitting the lights.

The door opened and his dad walked in. He hit the lights and paused, looking confused. Then a moment later, his mom, Diane, walked in behind him, laughing. "How could you forget your wallet, Gabe?"

"I didn't forget it." He laughed. "I put it right here, on the table beside the door so I wouldn't forget it."

"And you forgot it."

"I didn't forget it." He grabbed her hand and pulled her closer.

She laughed. "What are you doing?" He glanced up at the ceiling and swirled them to the center of the room. Above their heads, mistletoe hung. She gasped. "Gabe Futterman!" He pulled her down for a kiss as she let out a giggle.

"Oh gross!" Tiger gasped and Wolf leaned out of their hiding spot further.

"No!" Josh hissed and pulled them both back.

"What was that?" Gabe asked, stepping away from Diane.

Josh quickly grabbed the TDD and zapped them back to the future, when the Futterman house was owned by him. Well... by Joosh. He dropped the TDD on the couch and sighed. "That didn't really go well." He muttered.

"What were they doing?" Wolf asked curiously.

"No!" Tiger snapped. "Don't ask that! It's gross!"

"I know that!" Wolf said quickly. "I mean... why."

"Why?" Josh looked over at him.

Wolf nodded. "Why did they do that in the middle of the room like that? Under than ceiling plant?"

Josh tilted his head, thinking. "Ceiling plant... oh..." It dawned on him what Wolf had seen. "Mistletoe." He answered.

"Missile?" Tiger's eyes widened. "Missiles? Like actual missiles?"

Wolf shook his head. "Can't be. It's for your feet. _Toes_."

"It's a plant." Josh said bluntly. "You stand under it with someone and you have to kiss them."

Tiger grimaced and wrinkled her nose. "Why?"

"Do you die?" Wolf asked.

Josh blinked. "Die?"

Wolf nodded. "Yeah. If you don't do it."

"No." Josh shook his head. "It's just... a fun, silly holiday tradition. People kiss under the mistletoe."

Tiger shook her head. "I don't understand your time's need to go rat hole to rat hole."

"It's called kissing." Josh clarified.

"It's called disgusting." Tiger countered.

Josh threw up his arms. "It's just something we do, okay?"

"Why?" Wolf asked.

"It's... just..." Josh struggled for a way to explain it. "It's a part of relationships. You kiss, you touch, you have sex, intimacy. With someone you like."

Tiger looked at Wolf and rolled her eyes. "This again." She glanced back at Josh and shook her head. "Charging is a way to release tension and get psyched up for a mission and bond with your team."

"You... kiss someone... because you like them." Wolf repeated. "It's a good thing?"

Josh nodded. "Yeah, it feels good."

"It does?" He asked.

Tiger glanced at him. "Wolf, stop listening to him."

Wolf shrugged. "I kind of want to try it."

Tiger's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. "What did you say, solider?"

"I said I want to kiss Josh." He snapped.

Josh's eyes widened. "Me?"

"Well duh." Wolf said. "You're the only one here who's done it."

"Yeah... uh... but..." Josh stumbled over the words.

Wolf stepped towards him. "Quit being a pussy and go rat hole to rat hole with me."

In the end, Josh didn't quite manage to teach his new friends the true meaning of Christmas. But as Wolf chased him around his house, Josh realized that maybe this was exactly the true meaning of Christmas. Being together with your friends and family. Or maybe he was just going to believe that as Wolf tackled him to the ground.


End file.
